Tag Archives: Spirit Energy

What Makes a Relationship Work?

What Makes a Relationship Work and Why Not?
Why are you only attracted to certain people?

I would like to share with you my theory on what makes a relationship work.  I call it the pac-man syndrome that I discovered while teaching Flirting seminars for over twenty years. While doing so I will be simultaniously introducing you to my SIPPE Team through their conversations. Their names are Spree, Tellie, Phebe, Psylena and Emmie. They are different perspectives of myself. ( It makes it a little more colorful.)

Tellie (Intellectual) After all these years of teaching flirting what information stands out that you have learned from your seminars?

Phebe (Physical) – Yes, tell us.

Psylena (Psychological) – Well, first of all, over the past thirty years I have experienced a wealth of well-rounded, good-looking, nice people in all different age brackets, just waiting to meet the right person. It is not that the right person is not out there. The challenge is finding the combination that is right for you.

Looking for the special someone to share your life with is not an easy task if that is your goal. When you are looking for someone, a person rarely shows themselves.  Yet, when you are relaxed in your own environment, enjoying life, others are readily attracted to you.  It is the positive flow of energy, not the desperate, needy, anxious energy.  This will only turn people away.

Spree (Spiritual) – Yes, as a human being we have a need to be whole.

Emmie (Emotional) – Yes, I feel an intense yearning to find the person who can value who I am.

Psylena (Psychological) – Exactly, many times, it is only a singular need that is attracting us to a particular person.  As the relationship progresses and the need is fulfilled, there may no longer be a need for the relationship.

Example 1:
Bill met Tara at a friend’s party.  They hit it off.  They loved exploring together like two teenagers.
Tara never really had a chance to be a teenager because of having to be responsible for her younger brothers.  Bill also had to be responsible at a young age because of financial needs of the family.  So they had this great opportunity to live out the teenage years they never had.

As the relationship progressed they found that their adult lives were very different.  Their primary goals didn’t match so it was very difficult for the relationship to progress.  Yet, they had a wonderful time experiencing what it is like to be a teenager.  It didn’t take away their feelings for each other, but they realized they needed to move on.

Psylena (Psychological) – This is called the Pac-man Syndrome. When a relationship is built on a simple need, it doesn’t have a strong enough foundation for a long term relationship.  This foundation will most likely crumble if it does not build the strength and stability of at least three of the SIPPE energies

Tellie (Intellectual) – Can you share with us a little more about the Pac-man Syndrome?

Psylena (Psychological) – Well, let me explain in more detail.  I will use a romantic relationship between a man and a woman, but it can be applied to any friendship or business relationship also.  Imagine each person as an individual pie.


Energy of Individual who is Fulfilled



The person that is fulfilled in life is whole.




Individual’s Energy Need


The person who has an undeveloped part of one self has a need to be filled.


Emmie (Emotional) – What type of need are you talking about?

Psylena (Psychological) – There are two basic needs that show in one’s life.  I am talking about bigger basic human needs.

1. One type of need is to be comfortable.  When this need is met we have the sensation of; they understand me, they get me, and accept me for exactly who I am.  It feels like coming home.

2. The other need is to be challenged to grow as a person.
What attracts us to the other person is… what they have in surplus which satisfies our need.


Individual’s Energy Surplus

Over time as we grow and take on these aspects of ourselves, we may feel our partner is to the extreme with the surplus characteristics.  But if they were not the extreme, we never would have seen it, to learn it for ourselves.




Merging Energy of Need and Surplus

Once bringing the need and the surplus together you both can enjoy momentary fulfillment.

Phebe (Physical) – Why is it just a momentary fulfillment?

Psylena (Psychological) – Let me give you an example.

Example 2:

Stacey needs to feel safe and protected. She may not even be aware of this need, yet she attracts someone that will give her that experience. She loves the feeling of being safe. It heals specific wounds of her childhood.

If Stacey is a healthy individual she will take this experience on as her own. She has grown. She no longer needs the strong element of safety from another. So, she begins to feel stifled in the relationship.

Or, Shane has a great desire to protect a woman. So he is attracted to Stacey who needs protecting. This role fulfills his masculine need. He has taken on the element of confidence through the role of protector. As time passes his focus is no longer on being the protector. He will play the part when needed but not all the time.

If Stacey does not take on her own feeling of safety and continually needs support from Shane, ultimately it will begin to drain him of his energy.

In either case, be it Shane or Stacey, there has to be continual growth which creates a new comfort level. This will be wonderful for a while and then another growth spurt followed by another comfort level. This is life.

Spree (Spiritual) Yes, we are here in this lifetime to learn and grow. Most of us learn and grow when we understand the feeling of comfort. We are not here to stay the same.  So are comfort changes. We need to move on to find a new sense of comfort. It often happens that one grows and the other stays the same. This can only last so long in a relationship.  There has to be a different growth mode that is activated within the relationship.

This is where so much of the misunderstandings come into play. You believe the person you fell in love with, will stay the same. . Actually, you would be extremely unhappy if there is no change. The problem is where you choose some things to stay the same and some things to change. The truth is nothing stays exactly the same. A healthy relationship is supporting each other on each individual’s journey.

Psylena (Psychological) – We all have aspects of ourselves that have a need as well as surplus to share.


Individual’s Needs and Surplus Energy

They are constantly changing.

The trick is to have a relationship in constant flow where our needs are met and we can share our surplus with that same person. This is the ideal combination. I call this the ‘Evolution of the Pac-man Syndrome’. This is only the beginning of a relationship.

Psylena (Psychological) – For me personally, the biggest thing I have learned is the importance of not losing my own identity. In many of my past relationships I lost focus of what was important for me in my life. There has to be a balance between the relationship’s needs and the individual needs. It can’t be an either/or scenario.


Individual Losing Self/Energy

You become a shadow of your former self.

Spree (Spiritual) – There is such a powerful need for acceptance and love that it so many times takes precedence over people being themselves. When they finally do find themselves in a relationship their whole person does not dwell there, only the part of them they felt safe to unmask. This of course creates an unhealthy balance from the beginning and will have to right itself eventually.

Psylena (Psychological) – Yes, the majority of men and women believe that to have a full and happy life it is paramount to find their ‘special someone’. What they don’t realize is to find that special someone they have to be in the right place in their own life. Timing is everything. There is so much more involved other than being attracted to each other.

Spree (Spiritual) – I agree. Our love interests are actually there to show us what we are missing and the beauty we are not aware we have, by mirroring that particular aspect.  This is one of the true gifts of a relationship. Both parties are given the opportunity to grow by what attracts us to our partner, as well as what aggravates us about them.


Developing from Within


If you choose to recognize your special qualities and learn the lessons, you begin to develop from within.




Union of Two Fulfilled Individuals


Psylena (Psychological)  – Yes, we must recognize there are three separate relationships here, the two individuals and their union.  To have a healthy relationship we must nurture all three.  When both parties choose to be in continual transformation there is the opportunity to create new and exciting moments, more possibilities for fulfillment within the union.



Read more about finding your soulmate in The Art & Science of Starting a Conversation
Read more about Energy & Relationships



How Do I Break the Ice?

How do I break the ice?

How can I start up a conversation with a complete stranger? What are the perfect lines?

Wouldn’t it be great if we all knew how to find our soulmate, be able to strike up a conversation with our soulmate, and actually create a relationship with our soulmate?

First, before a word is spoken, smile from your heart. Your potential soulmate’s wall will begin tumbling down.  Secondly, there are no perfect lines. But there are icebreakers. Starting a conversation is the most difficult part of connecting with a potential soulmate. Using the same set of lines with everyone rarely works.

You must consider the specific environment.  Look for something you have in common. To start a relationship with anyone, let alone a soulmate you must have something in common.   I call this the commonground.  For example: The people you know at a party you are attending…or you see your potential soulmate in an elevator of a residential building, tennis club or at a local bar,  or possibly your potential soulmate is walking down Michigan Avenue in Chicago.

Do you really think it is easy to start up a conversation with someone on the street, especially a future soulmate?  Absolutely, if the bar or Michigan Avenue is the only commonground you have, you need to work with the situation at hand.  You want to meet your soulmate, don’t you?  The commonground is usually just an opener. Once you have established it you are ready for the approach.

What is the best thing to say to your future soulmate? Lets use the Michigan Ave commonground.

The most important thing to remember is that when you say your opening line, you want a response.  To be sure of a response, ask a question about the commonground. It doesn’t need to be clever. Keep it simple.

Question: Excuse me, could you tell me how to get to Ohio and State?

Most courteous people will give you an answer in return.  And in order to respond to a question, a person has to drop his or her wall –at least a bit.  And if they are not willing to drop their defense just a little, they are not a soulmate you would care to have a relationship with.

But once they answer the question isn’t that the end of the conversation?

Yes, it probably would be if you didn’t add the tidbit.

What is this tidbit?

The tidbit is a bit of information about yourself.  It has to be genuine, otherwise the conversation will end quickly because there is no foundation to build on. For instance: I was just transferred downtown and I don’t know the area. (This is if you were actually transferred downtown.)

A. Commonground: Michigan Ave.

B. Question: Excuse me, could you tell me how to get to Ohio and State?

C. Tidbit: I was just transferred downtown and I don’t know the area.


Commonground: You are at a party.

Are you a friend of Psylena, the Hostess? I was her roommate for the first two years in college. (Q & T)

This allows the other person to continue the discussion using the information you gave them. It introduces the possibility of a more personal commonground, a more interesting topic. For example, two people at a party can use the formula to open a conversation. Within a few minutes, they might find they both are gourmet cooks, work in sales, or love tennis.

There is the added plus when giving information about yourself.  A person then knows something about you, and you seem less like a stranger.  So in turn, the other person relaxes, opens up, and shares something too. The information you give is not your life story; it’s a fragment or a tidbit.

However, do not give the person a chance to answer the question before you reveal something about yourself with the tidbit. If there is no tidbit they answer the question and then close down, going about their business. Yet, if they have the tidbit information they will be processing it as they answer the question. Thus, allowing them time to decide if and how they would like to continue on the conversation.

How easy is this to follow when you are really attracted to someone and you think they could be your soul mate?

This is why I tell my students to practice the formula with every person they meet, potential friendships, business associates, anyone you have not met before. You will not only be comfortable meeting new people, but when the love of your life shows up you won’t freeze in your tracks. It will already be a habit. You won’t be able to stop yourself.

It is an easy formula, a quick way to start a conversation. . It gives you just about everything you need to decide if you want to continue talking. Either party is free to end the conversation.  The risk is minimal.  In both cases, it has broken down the defensive wall.

These same techniques can be used to strike up conversations in most any scenarios. That’s the beauty of using the formula; it can be a beginning of any type of relationship.

The “Icebreaker” is C + Q + T

You must find a commonground, ask a question, and give a tidbit about yourself.

1. Recognizing a Commonground

2. Engaging in conversation by asking a Question. (Based on the common ground)

3. Lowering ones defensive wall by sharing a Tidbit about oneself. (This allows the other person to have something to add to the conversation after answering the question.)

4. Continuing the conversation,

a. Creating the opportunity to find a more personal common ground. (the reason to see each other again.)

The best thing about the C + Q + T formula is that it works.  You are on your way to finding your soulmate!