Category Archives: Relationships & Personal Energy

What Makes a Relationship Work?

What Makes a Relationship Work and Why Not?
Why are you only attracted to certain people?

I would like to share with you my theory on what makes a relationship work.  I call it the pac-man syndrome that I discovered while teaching Flirting seminars for over twenty years. While doing so I will be simultaniously introducing you to my SIPPE Team through their conversations. Their names are Spree, Tellie, Phebe, Psylena and Emmie. They are different perspectives of myself. ( It makes it a little more colorful.)

Tellie (Intellectual) After all these years of teaching flirting what information stands out that you have learned from your seminars?

Phebe (Physical) – Yes, tell us.

Psylena (Psychological) – Well, first of all, over the past thirty years I have experienced a wealth of well-rounded, good-looking, nice people in all different age brackets, just waiting to meet the right person. It is not that the right person is not out there. The challenge is finding the combination that is right for you.

Looking for the special someone to share your life with is not an easy task if that is your goal. When you are looking for someone, a person rarely shows themselves.  Yet, when you are relaxed in your own environment, enjoying life, others are readily attracted to you.  It is the positive flow of energy, not the desperate, needy, anxious energy.  This will only turn people away.

Spree (Spiritual) – Yes, as a human being we have a need to be whole.

Emmie (Emotional) – Yes, I feel an intense yearning to find the person who can value who I am.

Psylena (Psychological) – Exactly, many times, it is only a singular need that is attracting us to a particular person.  As the relationship progresses and the need is fulfilled, there may no longer be a need for the relationship.

Example 1:
Bill met Tara at a friend’s party.  They hit it off.  They loved exploring together like two teenagers.
Tara never really had a chance to be a teenager because of having to be responsible for her younger brothers.  Bill also had to be responsible at a young age because of financial needs of the family.  So they had this great opportunity to live out the teenage years they never had.

As the relationship progressed they found that their adult lives were very different.  Their primary goals didn’t match so it was very difficult for the relationship to progress.  Yet, they had a wonderful time experiencing what it is like to be a teenager.  It didn’t take away their feelings for each other, but they realized they needed to move on.

Psylena (Psychological) – This is called the Pac-man Syndrome. When a relationship is built on a simple need, it doesn’t have a strong enough foundation for a long term relationship.  This foundation will most likely crumble if it does not build the strength and stability of at least three of the SIPPE energies

Tellie (Intellectual) – Can you share with us a little more about the Pac-man Syndrome?

Psylena (Psychological) – Well, let me explain in more detail.  I will use a romantic relationship between a man and a woman, but it can be applied to any friendship or business relationship also.  Imagine each person as an individual pie.

energy-relationship-personalgrowth

Energy of Individual who is Fulfilled

 

 

The person that is fulfilled in life is whole.

 

 

energy-relationship-personalgrowth

Individual’s Energy Need

 

The person who has an undeveloped part of one self has a need to be filled.

 

Emmie (Emotional) – What type of need are you talking about?

Psylena (Psychological) – There are two basic needs that show in one’s life.  I am talking about bigger basic human needs.

1. One type of need is to be comfortable.  When this need is met we have the sensation of; they understand me, they get me, and accept me for exactly who I am.  It feels like coming home.

2. The other need is to be challenged to grow as a person.
What attracts us to the other person is… what they have in surplus which satisfies our need.

energy-relationship-personalgrowth

Individual’s Energy Surplus

Over time as we grow and take on these aspects of ourselves, we may feel our partner is to the extreme with the surplus characteristics.  But if they were not the extreme, we never would have seen it, to learn it for ourselves.

 

 

energy-relationship-personalgrowth

Merging Energy of Need and Surplus

Once bringing the need and the surplus together you both can enjoy momentary fulfillment.

Phebe (Physical) – Why is it just a momentary fulfillment?

Psylena (Psychological) – Let me give you an example.

Example 2:

Stacey needs to feel safe and protected. She may not even be aware of this need, yet she attracts someone that will give her that experience. She loves the feeling of being safe. It heals specific wounds of her childhood.

If Stacey is a healthy individual she will take this experience on as her own. She has grown. She no longer needs the strong element of safety from another. So, she begins to feel stifled in the relationship.

Or, Shane has a great desire to protect a woman. So he is attracted to Stacey who needs protecting. This role fulfills his masculine need. He has taken on the element of confidence through the role of protector. As time passes his focus is no longer on being the protector. He will play the part when needed but not all the time.

If Stacey does not take on her own feeling of safety and continually needs support from Shane, ultimately it will begin to drain him of his energy.

In either case, be it Shane or Stacey, there has to be continual growth which creates a new comfort level. This will be wonderful for a while and then another growth spurt followed by another comfort level. This is life.

Spree (Spiritual) Yes, we are here in this lifetime to learn and grow. Most of us learn and grow when we understand the feeling of comfort. We are not here to stay the same.  So are comfort changes. We need to move on to find a new sense of comfort. It often happens that one grows and the other stays the same. This can only last so long in a relationship.  There has to be a different growth mode that is activated within the relationship.

This is where so much of the misunderstandings come into play. You believe the person you fell in love with, will stay the same. . Actually, you would be extremely unhappy if there is no change. The problem is where you choose some things to stay the same and some things to change. The truth is nothing stays exactly the same. A healthy relationship is supporting each other on each individual’s journey.

Psylena (Psychological) – We all have aspects of ourselves that have a need as well as surplus to share.

energy-relationship-personalgrowth

Individual’s Needs and Surplus Energy

They are constantly changing.

The trick is to have a relationship in constant flow where our needs are met and we can share our surplus with that same person. This is the ideal combination. I call this the ‘Evolution of the Pac-man Syndrome’. This is only the beginning of a relationship.

Psylena (Psychological) – For me personally, the biggest thing I have learned is the importance of not losing my own identity. In many of my past relationships I lost focus of what was important for me in my life. There has to be a balance between the relationship’s needs and the individual needs. It can’t be an either/or scenario.

energy-relationship-personalgrowth

Individual Losing Self/Energy

You become a shadow of your former self.

Spree (Spiritual) – There is such a powerful need for acceptance and love that it so many times takes precedence over people being themselves. When they finally do find themselves in a relationship their whole person does not dwell there, only the part of them they felt safe to unmask. This of course creates an unhealthy balance from the beginning and will have to right itself eventually.

Psylena (Psychological) – Yes, the majority of men and women believe that to have a full and happy life it is paramount to find their ‘special someone’. What they don’t realize is to find that special someone they have to be in the right place in their own life. Timing is everything. There is so much more involved other than being attracted to each other.

Spree (Spiritual) – I agree. Our love interests are actually there to show us what we are missing and the beauty we are not aware we have, by mirroring that particular aspect.  This is one of the true gifts of a relationship. Both parties are given the opportunity to grow by what attracts us to our partner, as well as what aggravates us about them.

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Developing from Within

 

If you choose to recognize your special qualities and learn the lessons, you begin to develop from within.

 

 

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Union of Two Fulfilled Individuals

 

Psylena (Psychological)  – Yes, we must recognize there are three separate relationships here, the two individuals and their union.  To have a healthy relationship we must nurture all three.  When both parties choose to be in continual transformation there is the opportunity to create new and exciting moments, more possibilities for fulfillment within the union.

THE REASON YOU GET TOGETHER

ISN’T THE REASON YOU STAY TOGETHER.

Read more about finding your soulmate in The Art & Science of Starting a Conversation
Read more about Energy & Relationships

 

 

Energy & Relationships

Energy & Relationships

How do I establish a personal connection…
                        build on a personal connection…
deepen a personal connection?

Soul MateWhen first meeting a potential friend, prospective client, or a desired love interest,  it is best to recognize the primary personality type or more importantly primary energy this new acquaintance is exhibiting. This way you will have the natural opening to get to know them.

There are five possible personal energy types.  I call these five primary energies or personality types Spiritual, Intellectual, Physical, Psychological and Emotional. I have given them names and chararters to make it easier and more fun to identify.  Let’s see how a person who engages primarily on an psychological basis can fares with a person who relates primarily on a Psychological basis.

Tellie / Intellectual

Example: Let’s take Tellie who is more interested in information, facts or strategy, he is a type of person who likes to get from point A to point B. Tellie’s primary energy would most likely be ‘Intellectual’. To begin a conversation with him it would be beneficial to meet him on his level, which is intellectual.

 

 

Psylena / Psychological

Now Psylena’s strongest personal energy is ‘Psychological’ which enjoys getting to know the intricacies of another. She likes connecting on a deeper level first. Yet, since Psylena is meeting Tellie who primarily comes from Intellectual energy she will have to meet him on that level. Bringing factual information is the best way in. Starting a conversation using sports, or a common ground, possibly the place where you are or a mutual acquaintance would be good.

 

 

Emmie / Emotional

Emmie is the sensitive type.  She is very aware of her feelings.  If it is business or personal, it doesn’t matter.  When she has created a business proposal or she is first attracted to someone she is very excited and can hardly wait until the next meeting.  She comes from ‘Emotional’ energy initially.  She feels a freedom when she is allowed to fully express her self from her passion.  When Emmie is stifled in her expression, she feels it.  It is actually painful.

Through expression everyone’s Emotional energy is in continual transformation.  Emotion is the body’s way of deciphering energy.  Is it flowing or is it stifled?  Emmie would know which one immediately.

 

Spree / Spiritual

Spree has just opened a new store.  She is probably exhibiting ‘Spiritual’ energy which is inspirational and imagination.  Tellie is meeting  Spree, as a potential client.  It would not be a wise idea for Tellie to come in and immediately bring up the paper goods he has to sell. The best advice is to genuinely meet Spree on her level.   He should share his excitement for her vision and what she hopes to accomplish.  By recognizing which energy Spree is exhibiting Tellie is able to establish a natural opening for opportunity.

Let me show you several personal examples.  Let’s meet Jennifer, Stu and Pedro

Let’s look at the ‘Natural Opening’

Example A: Jennifer

Phebe / Physical

I first met Jennifer when she came to interview for a job. I was looking for a person who could answer phones off business hours when my Learning Center was closed.   I needed someone I could forward the phones to.  Jennifer had three young children at home. She wanted a part time job she could do from home. She seemed to be very competent and excited to do this. She ended up being the perfect person for the job. She was able to fill a ‘Physical’ need I had for maintaining the Center’s phone communication.

1. Natural Opening  =  Primary Energy -Physical / Phones

 

Example B: Stu

Phebe / Physical

Stu came into my life by way of my Flirting seminar but we connected when he started taking my dance classes as well as private lessons. So, Stu’s initial connection to me was ‘Physical’ energy through dance. Even though it was physical, like Jennifer’s it manifested the energy in a totally different way.

1. Natural Opening =  Primary Energy – Physical  / Dance

 

Example C: Pedro

Spree / Spiritual

Pedro poked his head into one of my Swing dance classes and watched for a while. After class he came up to me and asked me if I knew I was directing energy at a high level when I was teaching fifty people in a room.  The size of the room was 45×45… with no air-conditioning. I was intrigued, here is someone that might see energy the way I did. We connected first on a ‘Spiritual’ level. We set up a lunch date for several days later.

1. Natural Opening / Primary Energy – Spiritual / Philosophy

For each of the examples there was an initial energy that was recognized, therefore establishing a natural opening for opportunity. The next step is to explore the possibility of a shared common ground. This can create rapport with this person. This will take you into another energy force.

Creating a ‘Rapport’, the first step to a relationship.

Let’s go back to Spree the new store owner and Tellie, the salesman. They have connected by using Spiritual energy. The next step is to explore the possibility of a common ground. One must activate a second energy for example, Psychological energy. You do this by asking a question about a common ground but before the person answers, give a tidbit, sharing information about yourself.

While they are beginning to answer the question they will also take in the information you gave them. If there is a common ground they usually do respond accordingly.

It turns out that Spree, the store owner went to the same high school and knew the same people as Tellie the salesman.

When meeting a potential friend the same criteria exist. Do you have a common ground where you can build rapport with this person? Mutual friends, interests, or experiences can be a common ground.  Establishing a second energy  psychological with this person creates the first level of relationship. Let’s take the three examples.

Example A: Jennifer

Jennifer was truly the perfect person for the phones. Even though she was in the Center very little, she had the process and the classes down pat. She understood the strategy of how the business worked. She changed the registration process to work efficiently. We saw eye to eye on how the business could run efficiently. Our common ground was through the Intellectual perspective.

1. Opening / Physical/ Phones

2. Common ground / Intellectual/ Business Strategy

 

Example B: Stu

As I got to know Stu through teaching him dance we began to create a closer friendship. He was great to talk with.  We would spend time sharing thoughts about the flirting book I was writing.  He was a great sounding board.  When my writing was blocked he would happen to call and have the perfect thing to say to get me going again.  The natural opening into this relationship was Physical but it began to blossom in the Psychological realm.

1. Opening / Physical / Dance

2. Common Ground / Psychological / Support

 

Example C: Pedro

Pedro and I had many lunches together discussing the Spiritual aspect of life. What I truly loved about him is he would play devil’s advocate with me, all though, I didn’t realize it at the time.  So, I would break it down in terms he might understand with pictures, graphics, anything for him to get it.  He analyzed every thought.  We both enjoyed the interplay.  The natural opening into this relationship was Spiritual and it expanded through the Intellectual.

1. Opening / Spiritual / Philosophy

2. Common Ground / Intellectual / Devil’s Advocate

 

Each of the examples had a common ground where the relationship could grow to a point. Yet do they have the potential to be a long lasting relationship?

By discovering a third energy you would be establishing a more personal-common ground. This creates camaraderie, a connection that will be remembered a year from now in the business world and on a personal level, a possibility for a budding long lasting relationship.

Example A: Jennifer

One day I was having a meeting with all of my staff.  The theme was customer service. Everyone was supposed to write down what they thought was important in the day to day workings of the Center and bring it to the meeting.

I actually found an old time stenographer to take the minutes of the meeting. I wanted every word to be documented.

I started the meeting having each person take their turn sharing their written notes.  I was amazed; each person, if I was lucky, had a couple of sentences on their sheet of paper. Everyone seemed to be focusing on the paper shuffling logistics.  Then it was Jennifer’s turn.

She proceeded to read a nine page list of what was important.  I was speechless!  These nine pages could have come from my mouth. It was perfect!  She truly got what it was to take care of the customer.  Each page had the details of how to take care of the customer and the bottom line of how the customer should feel if it was done right.

I happen to glance over at the stenographer’s notes. She was like all the rest, taking only the physical details and totally disregarding the Psychological aspect.

Through this experience I knew that Jennifer not only understood customer service but also appreciated what I was all about. In turn, I understood the value of Jennifer.  This is where Jennifer and I connected through the third energy, Psychological.

1. Opening / Physical / Phones

2. Common ground / Intellectual / Business Strategy

3. Personal-Common ground / Psychological / Connection

 

Example B: Stu

As Stu and I got together to talk about the Flirting book we began to get into more philosophical questions.  What is Love?  Is there a God?  This brought us into a more intimate relationship where we delved into our life beliefs, as well as sharing our Spiritual beliefs.

1. Opening / Physical / Dance

2. Common Ground / Psychological / Support

3. Personal- Common Ground / Spiritual / Beliefs

 

Notice how the development of each relationship is accomplished with a different combination of energies.

Example C: Pedro

Pedro and I spent more and more time together sharing our thoughts on life.  We supported each of our accomplishments and our failures.  We learned from each other by challanging our perspectives on different situations.  Our relationship grew into a great friendship by activating the Psychological energy.

1. Opening / Spiritual / Philosophy

2. Common Ground / Intellectual / Devil’s Advocate

3. Personal Common ground / Psychological / Support

 

Many business and personal relationships last a lifetime with just three energies. Yet, if you continue and bring in the fourth energy it is a very powerful friendship.

How do we bring the level of relationship into a more powerful and fulfilling friendship? We activate the fourth energy.

On a business level once you have activated the fourth energy within the relationship, each of you will automatically connect to each others inner circle of friends.  If a situation comes up where you might be the perfect person to forward another’s endeavors one would not hesitate to share that information. They would actually be pleased to do so.

We activate the fourth energy by first, sharing enjoyable experiences outside the arena in which we first met. Secondly, we share information we would normally not divulge to most people challenging each other’s best potential. It evolves past the commonality or convenience, into a committed friendship supporting each other through the good and the bad.

Example A: Jennifer

Jennifer and I spent a lot of time talking about the vision of the Center. We began to share the Spiritual aspect of the Center and that led to sharing our own beliefs and vision for ourselves. I was able to help her awaken a spiritual piece in her that had been closed when she was a child. This allowed us to share on a Spiritual level which I had not had the pleasure with another female. Our friendship deepened because of these experiences.

1. Opening / Physical / Phones

2. Common ground / Intellectual / Business Strategy

3. Personal-Common Ground / Psychological / Connection

4. Sharing / Spiritual / Vision & Beliefs

 

Example B: Stu

Stu and I began to share the possibility of working together. His insights into the corporate world were a great eye opener for me. Stu became my business partner when I was presenting seminars on The Art & Science of Flirting across the country.

1. Opening / Physical / Dance

2. Common Ground / Psychological / Support

3. Personal- Common Ground / Spiritual / Beliefs

4. Sharing. / Intellectual / Business partner

Example C: Pedro

Pedro and I shared our knowledge and our life experiences. We helped each other see where we had been and we could go from here. We understood each other, so therefore our energy could move fluidly without friction.  We fostered an Emotional connection.

Emotion is the body’s way of deciphering energy.  When we are allowed to fully express, it is euphoric.  When we are stifled in our expression, it is painful.  Through expression our Emotional energy is in continual transformation

1. Opening / Spiritual / Philosophy

2. Common Ground / Intellectual / Devil’s Advocate

3. Personal Common ground / Psychological / Support

4. Sharing / Emotional / Fluidity

 

Any one relationship that has four active energies is quite special. If one can have all five, this is an amazing relationship.

What is the fifth level?  If both parties have a connection deep enough to bring in a 5th energy, this will create a partnering of sorts. This is a mutual support in your personal and business arena. This is an ultimate relationship.

 

Example A: Jennifer

I loved the relationship I had with Jennifer.  Our friendship was basically through phone conversations.  We could switch from any of the energies in any one conversation and follow it.  We were openly vulnerable about our insecurities and our beliefs. It was a great friendship with the added plus for being able to talk business or personal in the same conversation. We were both in each other’s corner rooting for the other person. We could be totally ourselves as we continued to change and grow as human beings.

1. Opening / Physical / Phones

2. Common ground / Intellectual / Business Strategy

3. Personal-Common Ground / Psychological / Connection

4. Sharing / Spiritual / Vision & Beliefs

5. Partnering / Emotional / Being there

 

Example B: Stu

As time passed within my relationship with Stu, it went from friendship and evolved into love. We shared the beautiful world of dance, performing, teaching and competition. We worked side by side in business, creating teaching videos to traveling around the country presenting seminars. We shared our doubts and our dreams. We created an emotional foundation that allowed us the freedom to fly in whatever direction we chose.

1. Opening / Physical / Dance

2. Common Ground / Psychological / Support

3. Personal- Common Ground / Spiritual / Beliefs

4. Sharing. / Intellectual / Business partner

5. Partnering / Emotional / Foundation

 

Example C: Pedro

Pedro and I shared a thirst for knowledge. I had the dance and he had the Martial Arts. I had the emotional experiences and he had the book experiences. Be it Philosophy, Spiritual, Science or History we loved sharing it. I tended to jump in and experience things first hand and he objectively took in information. We were on our own quest but we shared the journey.

1. Opening / Spiritual / Philosophy

2. Common Ground / Intellectual / Devil’s Advocate

3. Personal Common ground / Psychological / Support

4. Sharing / Emotional / Fluidity

5. Partnering / Physical / The quest

 

Manifest a fifth energy and you will create a transformational experience which is life changing.

Creating strong genuine relationships with others is the foremost important joy of the human connection.  I am sure you have heard “Build it and they will come”. Build a strong relationship and abundance will follow.

Hopefully, you have a little better understanding on how a relationship develops using the five energies. But how do we put ourselves in a position to initially meet others? There are so many wonderful people just waiting to meet the right person in their life. If you are playing the waiting game, expecting the love of your life or the perfect business deal to come knocking on your door, forget it, 99.9% it is not going to happen. You have to put yourself out there.

What makes a Relationship Work?